Kirsten's Journal

wouldn't you like to know...
As I made my choice I had the relationship vibe thing from them. I was looking thru the site and it was all sweet but I could smell it. Insecurity. I swear I have this sixth sense for it. So I started reading thru the journals which is totally unlike me. And I have a diagnosis. Oiy vey. Its bleak indeed but I will still speak my mind.

Its doomed. But please tell all "love" relationships are not? I can see from what I read here. It has that sick smell of my x written all over it. You've been together forever. You stay out of comfort. One feels more strongly than the other. The one that feels more strongly is the insecure one. It's a sickness. The insecurity drives the other person away. The truth is that you need even keel love. Sounds bad. No but you need to love freely and the let other person do as they may. Worrying or letting past hurt block your right now, will ruin your right now. It means you are living thinking about what that person did...or could do. When what they did or could do is not WHO they are. And you can stop worrying. You just concentrate on you, on right this moment on pure life. You will never have control over someone else so why worry? People thinking that there is no way to stop worrying but there is....just stop.

A lesson I'm still learning.

So anyway its odd how I could sense it, but it was in the photos. The first photos showed complete happiness but when I looked at the christmas ones it was rank with it. OOCH. So when I started feeling this way about my x...it started around year 4...the thought would hit me...maybe we are not right...he kind of bugs me. I'd push it away. Then the attraction stuff went completely out the door. The thought became more and more about not wanting to be there. My circumstances were very odd so I felt like I should stay...no other choice. So much weird stuff....the years were drifting away...and it was around 6.5 years that I started realizing I was bored with the whole deal. I started pulling away...thinking about what I had missed and what I would like...and how I'm unhappy in other aspects of my life so why should this suffer too? Then I did it. I know I'm completely rehashing this bs again...but after reading all that stuff I just felt like I could related. I don't know if I will be a better me later on...or if I will ever have a chance again in my lifetime (I pray I do)...but we'll see.

So I was thinking on letting go of yesterday and moving on for this minute. When that light comes on its always a shock...I just don't...ugh...you know...

I'm rambling...blah blah.
incoherent thoughts...I love it...

Current Mood: cellular