Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2003.04.27  16.24 hard luck well i guess its not really hard luck. my life is on the upwards! things have changed DRASTICALLY. in a crazy FANTASTIC WAY. Sorry all my sites are screwed up. i need a HUGE favor from ANYONE out there... someone PLEASE PLEASE go here to IFriends.net and sign up for a free membership. It really REALLY is free but you need to supply your CC for age verification. You are only charged if you go into cams and chat private!

	2003.03.31  22.37 hi I try to faithfully stand by your side. I try to be your friend. I have an opinion. What do I get? Okay so maybe I didn’t share so easily and I will agree with that but in the same breath you have been a hypocrite yourself. In ways that you deny and change with every explanation. Dwelling on this will only upset me further and at this point I just want to cry. Instead I have to go back to work. I needed a moment to gather my thoughts so I thought it would be best to do it here since I have not written in so long. I will admit that I adore the journal when I never thought that I would. Guess why? This girl has no one to express her true feelings to. I wonder, is everyone else like that? Do they have no one too but they just forge on and deal with that with ease? Or do they have a sounding board. What I hate is when I talk ill of someone in a cruel manner. How can I do that? How can you do that about someone you care about? There was one person I know who would NEVER talk bad of others and I loved that about him. When I first met him I didn’t know what to think of that because all my friends were sadly gossip mongers, including myself. This was years ago. I’ve been thinking about writing a short story. About a teenage girl in high school and the events of one day…blah blah blah. That is what I feel like so I’m going to get to work. By the way I feel better now that I sounded off and now I’m wondering how my counter part above feels. I feel bad now and I wonder if I was too harsh. I hate that about me.

	2003.03.18  00.12 sore buns Hello, I'm so beat. I've been accepted and I managed to pull together enough money to take a class this semester. Did I tell you that? Probably not, I've been freaking out broke lately. I've been busting my tail trying to get ready for the move and everything just seems to be falling apart. Enough whining. So I'm psyched about the move! Oh ya. By way I signed up for Adult Friend Finder, you have to go check me out damn it. I'm in the process of re-designing NaughtyTruth.com because, well every girl needs a new look every couple of months. So the course I'm taking is on the story of design! :) This degree program is so perfect for me. Although its not enough education its more than what I have yes? So I do adore long posts because they make me happy but, my poor tail is sore. Is anyone else freaked out about that sars, ahhh. I know if you spend your life freaking then what kind of life is that but it freaks me the heck out! Talk to you later yes - K Mood: awake

	2003.03.01  09.27 posting 1 ... 2 ... 3... posting hello......... where have been? far too busy. i've been working on several projects that have been keeping me 14 hours a day busy. which is crazy because i make monkey money, really. so its freezing here...and doggiepie is sick. the move has been moved back more.....well i have tons to do...just wanted to post- :) Mood: busy

	2003.02.17  17.18 something i said Friend I dont know why you stopped talking to me. You were my one and only. The odd thing is my shut off button. It must be located in a poor spot? Sometimes I hit it without even noticing. Then I look up to realize its been two years since. How could I do that? I dont even know, its just like them, so I guess we have learned from someone that relationships dont mean much. I dont know I feel so strongly so I know that cannot be true. Maybe its the cut off factor in terms of loving and leaving. I do not know. Do we ever know, no we dont. It looks lovely outside and Im listening to the CD for the 2nd time today! Ive been busy all weekend searching for employment. Its crazy because Im coming down to the deadline Im moving in under two months, BUT everything, and I mean everything is up in the air. For the past decade (a little under), Ive struggled and fought. Thinking if justIf onlyMaybe if I could justetc. Ive closed my eyes and turned my back. When I left him, at first it was amazing. Then I fucked everything up, and fell into a depression. But aside from that I think everything else kind of hit me. The reality. In these past months Ive realized things that Ive never contemplated, and there is so much I do not like. I want to change a lot for me. It hurts when you realize the one thing youve been basing your existence around is not the only thing that made it all fall apart. What I love about my journal as that I dont even have to specifically identify what Im saying and its that one time where I can really let it out and just flow with the thoughts that I never even put into order. To an extent there are thoughts I have been I spend so much energy working. Working. But dont we all. Tomorrow is a holiday Im going "One of the many lessons that one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what they will be." -Oscar Wilde Mood: drained

	2003.02.10  22.12 wouldn't you like to know... As I made my choice I had the relationship vibe thing from them. I was looking thru the site and it was all sweet but I could smell it. Insecurity. I swear I have this sixth sense for it. So I started reading thru the journals which is totally unlike me. And I have a diagnosis. Oiy vey. Its bleak indeed but I will still speak my mind. Its doomed. But please tell all "love" relationships are not? I can see from what I read here. It has that sick smell of my x written all over it. You've been together forever. You stay out of comfort. One feels more strongly than the other. The one that feels more strongly is the insecure one. It's a sickness. The insecurity drives the other person away. The truth is that you need even keel love. Sounds bad. No but you need to love freely and the let other person do as they may. Worrying or letting past hurt block your right now, will ruin your right now. It means you are living thinking about what that person did...or could do. When what they did or could do is not WHO they are. And you can stop worrying. You just concentrate on you, on right this moment on pure life. You will never have control over someone else so why worry? People thinking that there is no way to stop worrying but there is....just stop. A lesson I'm still learning. So anyway its odd how I could sense it, but it was in the photos. The first photos showed complete happiness but when I looked at the christmas ones it was rank with it. OOCH. So when I started feeling this way about my x...it started around year 4...the thought would hit me...maybe we are not right...he kind of bugs me. I'd push it away. Then the attraction stuff went completely out the door. The thought became more and more about not wanting to be there. My circumstances were very odd so I felt like I should stay...no other choice. So much weird stuff....the years were drifting away...and it was around 6.5 years that I started realizing I was bored with the whole deal. I started pulling away...thinking about what I had missed and what I would like...and how I'm unhappy in other aspects of my life so why should this suffer too? Then I did it. I know I'm completely rehashing this bs again...but after reading all that stuff I just felt like I could related. I don't know if I will be a better me later on...or if I will ever have a chance again in my lifetime (I pray I do)...but we'll see. So I was thinking on letting go of yesterday and moving on for this minute. When that light comes on its always a shock...I just don't...ugh...you know... I'm rambling...blah blah. incoherent thoughts...I love it... Mood: cellular

	2003.02.10  19.09 ick I just spent the day writing articles for my non-profit sites. yes, non profit. tons of fun. i know. so as i write my lacking ass articles i wonder if there is a place for me in this world. yes i wonder. don't we all? i don't think that there is. i've been horribly ill all weekend and quite blue to boot. i can't hear. oh well poor old bag. good night now. Mood: puhhcuckery

	2003.02.09  22.39 Cute maybe? poor me I have another ear ache. ugh. i've felt horrible all day. my throat has been bothering me...just glazed over and ill. i'm buried in snow, I can't believe how much snow we've had. amazing. so i'm feeling ill about things, and today i was thinking about the past and how things have gone. when i remember something that i have not thought of in a long time. the horrible feeling of them threatening personal things. i was thinking on something that i should not when i remembered that. i mean yes if follow thru and do good all is well but they always hang loved ones over head. then i started realizing why things have turned this way because i was never this way before. i had always been a peculiar way but never to this. i cannot point blame and i don't but i do fear them. but then again who cares? there is so much to fear so why bother? i hope that whatever is ailing me will pass tonight after some rest because i've just felt worse as the day has progressed. So I found my new raw award winner, its cutecouple.com. the members section is such a treat. hopefully i will update my raw site tomorrow with my new articles. everything is all set but i need to read thru it again because my head is just so fogged out today. so lovely me has been feeling t problems again. i know, i need a doctor. soon hopefully. but otherwise i think i've stayed clear. i got this wonderful book at the library today...but i can't recall the name. maybe tomorrow i will tell you? yes. so i go on this cutecouple.com site and i think oh how cute but then as i watch and look thru the photos i get this vibe...this relationship vibe. it feels DIRTY. something is out of place. cute comes off so well in photos, but cute is never real. images can always portray something different, of course. but anyway i'm looking at this site and i'm enjoying it but it reminds me of my x. i think of how things appeared to everyone else, but how everything really was. and ick. after almost a decade i was ready to call it quits so bad i could taste it. he was too but he practically cried when i told him. the weird thing was i was relieved, and i didn't cry till about a 3 weeks after. i miss having SOMEONE, but not him. i love rambling. so i am tired and ready for zz's since i feel like dung. have a good night - :) "I'm as tired of poop" - Kirsten Fraser

	2003.02.07  12.52 i am amused by me its so cold out today but don't you just love it? i love seeing my breath and being chilled. there is nothing better than a cold starry night. it makes you look at life and realize how perfectly beautiful it can be. so today was an uneventful day so far. you know my problem is expect results but don't do enough to achieve them. i am going to start working harder no matter the direction i work, its important - of course. i need more social. definitely. i found a cheaper school which is fantastic, imagine if they turned down my application? wouldn't that suck! oh indeed :) woow huh. so i finally downloaded the software to update my journal without visiting the livejournal site. this is pretty cool. i never thought the day would come when i would enjoy posting in an online journal. i love just emptying my brain out here. i spend most of my time not thinking about any of this stuff then i just randomly flow here, its delicious indeed. so of course i have tons of new brilliant ideas. i love working on new creative concepts, i am the queen of it. so i have tons of delightful flighty silly concepts ready to fly out of my semi-genius brain. right right. well have a lovely day - by there - ;) "Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change." -Confucius Mood: amused

	2003.02.06  13.39 so what you say.... Hi there......... :)

	2003.02.05  09.47 lovely old day Hello, I've been unable to write lately because of health and financial problems. I know what could keep me away? Really I love writing in my journal its been on the back of my mind, but I've been busy. So I've done it, I had trust in, which I never truly have trust in but enough you know...and well now I'm screwed. I don't know what I'm going to do, I've been trying to land on my feet but we'll see...right? The good news is that there are more opportunities than I had thought. I'm going to keep plugging away, its all that I can do. I'm hoping to land a nifty account. So the good news is that it was warm enough to turn the heat off in my apartment for a couple days, the bill was outrageous last month and to be honest with you I don't have the money for it. So we'll see. I've been reading much but nothing exciting. I have a book by Jack Kornfield and I was enjoying it then I started having all these problems and my concentration is crap. I know I know. Well I have to get to work. Have a lovely old day everyone - :) "Dreams are the touchstones of our character." -Henry David Thoreau

	2003.01.29  09.30 pulled stuff I just don't get it. There are certain things in this life that we have no choice on. There are things beyond our control. It took me years to accept certain changes, but I was just a baby. That added to my non-acceptance my reluctance to do things. Then there was that whole other thing that is far more bizarre and freaky than I could ever imagine. Damn my lower back has been hurting I think I pulled something. So anyway, I don't know why anyone would want to change me. I don't even get it, not even a little. I'm a hard worker, and I've made some mistakes but I like who I am, I love who I am. I will admit that I did not before, but there are also somethings that I don't like about me, but I'm still growing and working on those things in my life. Maybe its because I'm human. Well who knows. I do, and I'm irritated. So its perfectly lovely outside and everything is in crazy order. I've been searching for some extra curricular. It should be nice, I'm thinking a shelter. Well I'm feeling really aggravated, and I have tons to do so I'm off and running. "Without a struggle, there can be no progress." -Frederick Douglass

	2003.01.28  09.37 Fear less, hope more; So is this it? Probably. I had high hopes, I usually do. Don't we all? Some don't. Do you have friends that always sick? I do. People who always complain. Always have something bothering them. Always tired. Never satisfied. Always bored. I'm hardly ever bored. I can't remember that last time I sat and thought I was bored...can you? I'm really down because of so much hype. So much plan. To just have nothing still. Just some text that means nil. NIL. Right. So whatever, who knows, not me? I'm enjoying my black with 2 sugars. You? Cream? Not for me. Milk Sucks. For real. So I used to be so close, like little brother or more close, because I would care for him and I loved doing it. How can I help other people? I don't know. I've been having chest pains. Whenever I do, I think heart attack. Whose heart did I get? Mom or Dads? or sickly combo? Which traits?? One of my sisters is a cow. Really. I used to lose sleep over the fear of obsesity. I know. But to hear her always tell me she was thin, healthy, worked out then one day she just got fat. Just like that? She raised me with that belief that it was JUST what happened. Just like her problems, its just what happens. She doesn't just try to change, just complains, and acts like its a force of nature. I would see her eat an entire can of beans, a bowl of cereal meant to serve 8 (really), a bag of can with 12 servings. All within two hours. She would go to a resturaunt, eat half of an appetizer, almost an entire meal, and dessert. Get home and eat whatever food was left over. The fact that it was in the house, ate away at her. She couldn't sit down and watch tv for five minutes without thinking of it. That drives me mad. The lack of control. Giving in to gluttony. Being that much of a pig. Then she would complain and say we eat the same thing, but your thin and I'm not. Its not fair. Its not fair. Right. Life isn't fair. I just never got why she didn't see? Do you point out stuff like that? How do you help people? I don't even know. I wish I could help people. When you eat healthy and right you realize how bad you were. Its like when you stop drinking or doing drugs you realize the truth. When I quit smoking a friend quit at the same time, he started up after a week. Well OPENLY started up. He had quit for about 3 days then started smoking on the sly. Another thing I don't get, who are you hiding from? Do others really care that you just failed yourself? Admitting it openly only hurts yourself, so you protect yourself four days until you get used to the idea that you are a full blown smoker and you've convinced yourself that you are a failure and you really like it anyway. Some people are just meant that path. Wrong indeed. That drives me mad too that people fail on themselves and hide it from others, when they are only doing it to protect themselves, when it only hurts more in the long run. The smoke my give your cancer but you just sealed into your mind your failure and its okay. I'm annoying today. I know. Sorry. "Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours." -Swedish Proverb

	2003.01.27  19.05 will she? You know what? She fucked it up. Okay I needed to get that off my chest. With that said I can move on. So hey whatever, life goes on. I'm feeling a bit ranty but I'm also feeling very detached. I'm also feeling that craving for a BLONDE BROWNIE, or perhaps a chocolate chip cookie. Its been months really, well maybe not that dramatic. I had "dessert" on Thanksgiving, like real dessert. I was being honest, the truth is that dwelling and lingering about it only makes it worse. Am I destined to hear her moan forever? To complain, and boohoo herself? I have enough trouble. No matter what she would complain. So what, life is hard. I love her though. My beloved wife. I know. So the weekend is coming to a close and I'm desperate. Still. I know though, I know the truth is time. But I fear. Fear. Its a prank, or worse yet other extreme thoughts. My beloved..... I know. My nails are picky. Wait I'm picky. Scratchy, fidgety nervous energy. She annoys me how anxious she is to RUN from the problem and its the most fucking silly thing. To openly say the words. She is so fucking destructive. It annoys me. You point it out but she is too much of a wall to accept. Whatever. Whatever. I know. Hey. You can't change that. Lovingkindness. Peace. Happiness. My favorite thing is being nice to strangers. Freedom of my heart and mind. She loves me. I haven't spoke with her in so long, she suffers from eating disorders and what not. Its funny how things appear to you, then you see how everything is pure pain. I watched the 2 fat ladies today and I'm in love with that show. Its the pure essence of natural cooking and fat...fat...goodness. The country side. Its a dream of castles and country, don't we all dream that? I guess not. Or a beautiful home in Italy. Aaah nice. Well hey. I'm logging off. have a good - night! "It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself." -Eleanor Roosevelt

	2003.01.25  21.14 fur cap I was feeling sick with anxiety and stress it was bizarre. Almost like my morning of thoughts caught up to me. I was evil. There were horns sprouting from my head. haha. Really. I feel a little better but I also feel like I could sleep the rest of the night. It was not a restful sleep but enough to clear my mind. I went to the library again today. I told you that I was a book whore and I meant. I got a nice book on Happiness and another on Mediation exercises. So what do you think of Hypnosis? Do you believe in it? I'm thinking of testing it, actually thinking of, is an understatement. I am going to be using it as a part of my life. Its key. Literally. So I'm COMPLETELY ready but there is nothing I can do. Of course. That is always how it goes - you know? I wish. I wish. Don't we all. Well good night sweet friends.

	2003.01.25  17.55 lethargic not feeling well today. lethargic. sorry. I wish I was feeling better. My day has gone from depressed. Happy. Tired. Hungry. Achy. and depressed. I'm feeling clear but just down. When I'm down like this I tend to obsess on the negative, something I'm fighting off! Well I'm going to just hangout and relax under warm blankets tonight.

	2003.01.24  09.11 or maybe firsts. it is one of those days. when i have really nothing to say. my mind is lost elsewhere. the best part is that i'm warm. toastygirl. what if things are fake. what if its not real. what if ... waste of time. go with your instincts. shoot for the stars. this is it. this is it. you know? doubts and second guess. or maybe firsts. who cares....it won''t change anything. you forget that sometimes...get lost in your thoughts...

	2003.01.23  09.37 the book whore It was exactly what I had thought. Nothing really. So with that said I'm moving on and letting go of the concept that has been lingering my mind for over 6 months. The concept with no actual structure until this past week. But I'm really tired of it. I feel like someone's yo-yo. Who am I kidding, I've been a toy for well over 7 years now. Sad. Well dwelling on mistakes that have destroyed my life do nothing but make me bitter and angry. And I really don't want to remember my life like that. I don't want to die tomorrow and think that even till the end it made me hateful because my mistake has screwed things up but it does not make me. Their part in it does not consist of all that they are, its only a part. There is good in everyone and everything. I can forgive. For so long I felt I couldn't. I remember posting an entry saying I couldn't. But I can. There are certain things that are difficult but there with that said there are certain things that I can let go. I have this wonderful dream. But I will not share. I'm thinking maybe the breakfast buddy and I should go to lunch. But I am not sure. We have not gone out in so long. I need to put new order to my life. I like that. I also need to go to the library - :) I like that too. So have I told you that I'm a book whore? I just ordered to new "used" books off of amazon.com marketplace. I know. I try to limit my book purchases to the availability of library books. If they are at the library I borrow them, if not I order them. I think I keep that company afloat. Okay maybe not that bad. But I do enjoy books. Well its wonderful Wednesday and I've spent Monday in circles, Tuesday in shock and today I'm back to circles. I wonder if its deliberate. Don't really care anymore. I like know that no matter how annoyed, frustrated, happy, excited, confused, doubtful... that I can clear my mind and enjoy the present moment no matter what. "You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." -Ziggy

	2003.01.22  15.02 Super - Yoga - Tuesday Hmm. I don't know. At first I thought wow, then my second thought wow. After that I started to come down and think. Wow. But really I started to think of a million different scenarios because my mind has the fine art of scenarios. I go thru all this different stuff. I think of a million ways to ingest the material. Then I think of a million arguments. Instead of speaking I need to comtemplate. Really. So After thinking it some the truth is that its not real. The only real thing is this right here. Me sitting here listening to my cd, with my cat on my lap. Enjoying our heavenly electric blanket. Nothing is real till it happens, so with that said. Hey now, I'm rather enjoying my afternoon. I was feeling a little tired and stressed from the circles I was creating in my head and the excitement did get to me but truly whats to be excited about? Nothing. I am grateful but in all honesty I always am. I might not show it, but I am. So I've been trying to consider more before speaking. Maybe if I practice a new 10 second rule...That might work. I counting my breath and counting to ten before response. Sure sure. So hey now. Its perfectly blue and lovely outside. Its so cold too. So today is Super - Yoga - Tuesday :) I love Yoga. I'm not sure what I'm doing for workout today but I would like increase my workouts. I love working out at home. So sugar, how are you doing today? Well I'm heading out for my afternoon ride---have a pleasant day. And be happy.

	2003.01.22  10.07 Nobody ever died of laughter This is a vent: Waited for a long time. Oh well. I can't dwell. I was going to rant and rave and go on about it. But it such a waste. It creates so much negative energy. I'm having trouble letting go of anger. I think its because of a specific event but the truth is that I'm not even sure. I don't know? Its kind of hard to figure that stuff out. So I've been trying to be positive. I've realized that the majority of my conversations lead to ........ disparaging remarks about other people. I know. I'm trying to change that. I dislike how gossipy I am. I'm working at being more aware of the things that I say. Sometimes I forget. I let my ANGER, or HURT fly away with me. So I do the best that I can. I didn't expect the sun and the moon. But I had high hopes. Now I'm not sure. I know I need to put things in order for me. I know I need to change things. I do not like that my sites are on the negative side. I need to make a choice. I wonder what will happen with the move? I wonder if all this stuff happening is a SIGN? Do you believe in signs? I don't think I do. I'd like to. I think I do when they are blatant. Then I again this would be very obvious, I guess the truth is that we make up own truth. We see what we want. If it was a sign for one direction but we desperately wanted the other we would not see the sign out of lust for the other. Or something like that. So I've been enjoying my book by Sylvia Boorstein, its buddhism americanized. Which is rather delightful and interesting. Wow, I can't believe it. I just had some MIND blowing information, that I really can't even fathom. I need to cut this short because I'm really blown away. "Nobody ever died of laughter." -Max Beerbohm

	2003.01.21  08.42 young again I'm up. Of course. Because I was somewhat anxious I had a hard time sleeping last night. NOT that it kept me up all night because that was not the case but between the others being here and with the thought in my the back of my mind I woke a couple times. In truth of course I'm anxious but you know? What's a girl to do? Nothing. I have some stuff lined up in event that there is nothing for me. You know, as long as I'm alive its going to go on. So I did in fact wake a little earlier, which I don't like doing now that the others are here. She is such a light sleeper and there she is in my main room always. So of course she said something about the time. I heard her grumbling about. It is so cold here today. I turned the heat off last night so it was freezing this morning. I don't like sleeping with the heat on (its electric). Ick. So I need to start working on my updates and probably look for a temp job today. I've decided its time to let him go. He obviously doesn't care about me. So when I finally hear from the ideal, its no information. Its nothing. Its like deliberate. Its a game. Its completely whacked. But what can I do. Nothing. I just asked an assortment of questions. We'll see? So I had all these brilliant ideas the trouble is that I seem to be the only one who believes them to be brilliant. The trouble is that I await on the future of some outcome that is nowhere but inside. So letting it go and only I can move on with me. And I will. Because if I don't then that would be giving up. I feel that old fire burning. I feel spiritual. I feel young again. So today I will do my best to sort thru matters. Then I will move onto the next step. I'm being circled by gray and black. Its amusing. :) "When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." -Bernard Bailey

	2003.01.20  20.11 close my corners Well there we have it. They are here. I wonder would she still do it if I were not? If she said no, what does that say? It says that its not a good thing doesn't it? I don't know. I'm quite concerned what if he doesn't show again? I really don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know, but I do know its a huge waste to contemplate the situation any further. I was enjoying watching the red carpet. Yes, I'm a red carpet junkie. But with the others there I feels superficial. I felt like I constantly needed to leave. They stunk too. So whatever. I have no idea about anything and I probably still won't tomorrow and I don't really care. I'm feeling blue suddenly. I guess he is truly saying he doesn't feel like dealing with me any longer. That he never really loved me. I guess that is what they are both saying. I guess it doesn't matter. The truth is that I need to close my corners and drop it. Wow, I'm really feeling it. I'm going ... talk to you later.

	2003.01.20  10.02 and hence we have no... I have a hotmail email account (doesn't everyone?), anyway its unbelievable how many "adult" spammails you get! I find it hard to believe that spamming people can actually make you money? It seems so unproductive. How many people even read them? How many open them? I could never spam someone its such a silly waste of time. I have work to get started on for next week but I've honestly be reluctant in hopes of other stuff. I know chicken counter. I really have not been counting or truly considering. I've been kind of waiting for an outcome. I found the perfect quote today, and I'm not sure WHO said but it goes like this: "Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans." Is that so fitting? We all run around PLANNING our "futures" when we don't know if we will be here in 20 seconds. Not saying we should not plan because that is a part of living, just that we should not spend our time WORRYING or having anxiety of what we have done or could have done, or will do. Its just interesting yes? Well I believe it is. So they are very excited and so am I. I made this perfect photo. Its stitched together and it looks perfect. I've learned how to do some great editing techniques with that tutorial. My interests are in art and creating. I've been thinking maybe studio arts with a focus on digital / multimedia, I wonder? I can't believe how evened out it appears. What cracks me up is HOW quickly I can be gone now! And if there are any powers to be out there then this will be the one. Besides that I think this is the one for them. You know, I really do. But haven't I thought that with everyone? hehe. I'm feeling very optimistic. You know I need to focus more energy on my breathing. Well this girl has MUCH to do. Have a super - delicious - SUNDAY. "The very essence of the creative is its novelty, and hence we have no standard by which to judge it." -Carl R. Rogers

	2003.01.19  22.26 Lovely Folk That is where my total flakeoffedness comes from! dang huh. Oh well. So they will be returning tomorrow and well there might be something new? We don't know. I just want for them to be happy. I like that happiness is not in SOMETHING that happens but the outlook. The moment. I'm enjoying this cd, Rosey... Today I went to the library and I found this interesting book on the history of Talmud. I didn't get it because I had some specific books I wanted to get. The first book is the The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, A Toltec Wisdom Book (which is eeeh okay so far), then It's Easier Than You Think: The Buddhist Way to Happiness (which I'm thoroughly enjoying), and the other book I'm reading is Pride and Prejudice, which is pretty good. I need to read more classics. Whenever I look at classic literature I wonder why I never read that book? In high school I rarely remember reading. Of course we did the Shakespeare stuff but that was pretty much it. In the classes I've taken in college we read a few things but it was mostly about your writing than your reading. So tomorrow is the day they return and to be honest with you I'm a bit worried about this house. I hope so. I hope something comes together because I'm starting to REALLY PANIC. I know. NO NO. I found this lovely restored 1930's house with all hardwood. It was beautiful. I can see me there. My family is the type to worry of ghost, but I think if there are ghost they will love me for myself. Whacky girl? Absolutely. I just want to be SAFE. So you know what movie i adore - ADORE... The Money Pit with Tom Hanks. Oh my that was one of the best funniest movies. The was a great movie. I remember watching it with my bestfriend when we were little. We laughed so hard. Of course an actual money pit would NOT BE funny. So monday is COMING IN quickly RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT? I hope so!! ack. I know. I fear I will hear the same thing on monday that I've heard for WEEKS. I fear that I will still not know. If that is the case I will absolutely need some assitance. Oh lordy. I had some good concepts but they are all rubish. Well I need to get some reading done then get to bed. Have a nice Saturday evening Lovely Folk.

	2003.01.19  09.58 standard ramble: Act II, Sc. 2, line 32 You know I have tons concepts for all different things but the risks outweigh the good. I would prefer to not even bother. I don't even like it. I just settle. I have no choice in that. We make the best of what we have to. But its been so long away that I start to think well maybe? I start to feel free of set obligations. But also I can't stand that I am so limbo-fied! It leaves me with nil. I do not spend my entire day thinking these things. The thought passes then goes. Friends that are like a disease are the worst. I can't stand it. The negative energy just envelopes him. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I feel sad. But at the same time I find it hard to sit and enjoy him. No preconceptions. No illusions. Just you and me. Right? That is how it should always be. Just the vibe and true. Just the pure love of life and each other. Who knows? I'm sure you don't! I've been searching for my new RAW Award winner and I found a nice contender but instead I think I may write a review on her site for next week? She is a gorgeous girl with fake knockers, but they are delightful to say the least. But I'm not sure about her. Damn I can't believe it. It looks perfect out today. I'm lost in my thoughts and that kind of bugs me. That is not what I want. Today I think I will hit the library. I'm listening to the Cranberries but there is only one song that I truly enjoy. I sent an email to amateur voice which is run by the naked nicole crew in hopes that i can write reviews for them. it would be nice getting paid doing something that i enjoy doing...criticizing freely. woooha. I hope all goes well with them. I really do. I can't stand this anymore...going there with nothing ever being accomplished. What if they cannot get out? They are getting such a bum deal. I pray for them. I really need to go. Have a super Saturday. "Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once." -William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar, Act II, Sc. 2, line 32."